You're Here, You're Queer, Get Use to It!

Auntie J,
How do I tell my live in girlfriend of two years that I think I'm gay?
- RJ, CA

RJ,
You don't THINK you're gay. If you THINK you might be gay, chances are, you're gay. My question is how does your girlfriend not know this? She probably thinks you are the ideal boyfriend. Sweet, sensitive, and active participant when you shop, great design ideas, compassionate, caring. She probably realizes it, but doesn't want to accept it. Just sit her down and tell her who you are and how you feel and apologize for hurting her, but you need to tell her. You both can't live a lie forever.
-Auntie J

Sex Withdrawal Psychosis!

AUNTIES!
To put it bluntly, my girlfriend is crazy. About a month and a half ago, she decided that she wanted to be celibate. I asked where this came from and she got upset about me "stepping on her beliefs" and I backed off. Well it's been nearly two months and we have yet to have sex. Now I"m not the kind of guys who cheats, but dammit, I need something! I fell back into the habit of watching porn as I did when I was single. She has recently discovered this and hit the roof! About three days ago, I decided that it was time to just end this. I sat her down and told her that I think we should see other people. She went in the kitchen, started breaking dishes, then began to cut herself and told me that if I ever left, she'd kill herself. I have no idea what to do. HELP!
-Keenan, CA

Goddamn Keenan!
You sure know how to pick them! As I read this, I was certain by her new found celibecy, she was sleeping with someone else, but when you tried to end it and she tried to kill herself, I don't know what the hell her problem is. And I'm trying to figure out if you are a saint, or a fucking idiot for trying to stick it through with her. All I can say is this: contact her family, tell them she's fucking nuts, and get the fuck out of dodge!
-Auntie J

Baby Daddy!

Hi Auntie,

I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. During our relationship he cheated on me and had a child with another woman. Needless to say I took him back and we took his son in and have been raising him as our own. Now that his son is becoming older, he just started calling me mom out of the blue. I didn't correct him at the time (he is just a toddler) but I am conflicted if I should talk to his father about him calling me Mom, should I ask permission?

Faye, IL

Hi Faye,

First and foremost it takes a hell of a lot of balls to take a man back that not only cheated on your but concieved a child in his affair! All I can say is you also have proof he didn't use protection so you better have protected yourself! Now on to the problem at hand, his son, and the usage of the word mom. Now, normally if his biological mom was still in the picture I would see it a point to talk to your boyfriend about it, but you have been raising him as your own. It is only natural for him to call you mom and it's not that you pushed him to call you it. Your boyfriend will find out in due time that his son is referring to you as mom. If he has a problem with it, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship and what each of you are expecting not out only your relationship but raising his son as both of yours.
-Auntie Reggie

Tattoo taboo

Dear Auntie J and Aunt Reggie,
I got a tattoo of a heart with wings about two months ago on the back of my shoulder. Underneath the heart, it was to say my nephew's name. Aside from it being misspelled, one of the wings is smaller than the other! I plan to get it covered up, but was wondering if it is worth it to pursue something against the tattoo parlor where I originally got it done?
-Kelsey, AZ

Non-Commital Worries

Hi,
I'm in a non committal relationship, meaning he only comes around when he wants some. Lately his best friend has been hanging out with me. Is it okay to hook up with his best friend?
- Janise, AZ


Janise,
Girl, if he only comes around when he wants some then it ain't nothin' but a booty call. Might as well hook up with his best friend because he's probably hooking up with yours!
-Auntie Reggie

Porn: The other woman

Aunties...
I have a problem. I am a young woman in my very early 20's. Every now and then, I will watch a bit of internet porn. It turns me on. I like it. It's hot. But my boyfriend watches a TON of porn. He can not own an internet capable device without downloading at least a movie or two on it. It wouldn't bother me if he'd watch it and then ravage me as soon as I walked through the door, but it's quite the opposite. We have sex MAYBE once a week, if I'm lucky. And when we do, it's usually quick and neither one of us seem to really enjoy it. I think my breaking point was when I asked for sex, he turned me down, then 20 minutes later, I walked into the den and he was watching porn. Is it me? How can I approach this situation?
- Kelcy, WA

Kelcy,
When you catch your boyfriend watching porn, does he masturbate while he watches? Give him a taste of his own medicine and let him catch you with your toys a few times then after he sees you recieve mass amounts of pleasure, tell him you're to tired for sex ;). But seriously, maybe try watching together, making that your foreplay.
- Auntie J and Auntie Reggie

Baby Blues

Dear Aunties:
I'm 17 and I want a baby! Everyone tells me I'm too young, I should wait, whatever. I know I'm young, but I have never been so sure about anything in my life. I've been with this one boy from school for about three months now. We have sex like everyday. I was using the pill, but I stopped about a month ago. He found out like three days later and we started using condoms. I poked holes in a few of them. I feel kinda bad about that. Did I go too far?
- Baby girl, AZ

Baby Girl,
Hell yeah you went too far! You seriously need an ass whoopin'! You have no idea what it takes to take care of a baby because you are a baby yourself! Ok... Let me calm down... Maybe you need to speak with a counselor or therapist about this compulsion you feel. All in all, you can't do that to this kid. If he doesn't want to be a baby daddy, he should keep his dick in his pants, true enough, but at the very same time, you can't manipulate him purposefully into a position that not even you are old enough to handle
-Auntie J

The 30 Year Old Virgin

Help!
I'm a 30 year old female and I have a very sickening disease... I'm a virgin! It's not like I don't put myself out there. I even let my sister in law put up a dating profile for me! Nothing. I think I'm fairly decent looking. Maybe a little nerdy, but still... 30 years is a long time! What am I doing wrong??
- Surfer Girl, CA

Sexy, FORBIDDEN, Older Man...

Dear Aunt J and Aunt Reggie:
I'm 19 and am attracted to my mom's 42 year old boyfriend! He kind of flirts with me and we smile and make jokes (not in front of my mom, of course!). I think of it like this: if he could do this to my mama, he's not good enough for her. I'm basically doing her a favor, right?
- Tanna, AZ

Oh Tanna...
First off you need to realize that man could be your daddy and you need a whoopin'! Second, what you on? Some kinda jerry spring shit? What you need to do is steer clear of that dirty ass old man, next time he makes a pass kick him in the nuts! No, you're not doing your mama a favor. All you are showing her is that she has a whore of a daughter and you both have shitty taste in men. You need to come clean to your mama and apologize to her.
- Auntie Reggie

Of Men and Assholes

Dear Aunt J and Aunt Reggie:
I've been with this guy for about a year and a half now. To be honest, he kind of treats me like shit. He cusses me out in front of friends and family, he went to a friend's Wii party on MY birthday, and didn't even invite me. To top it off, I'm almost certain that he's cheating on me. One day, I was looking for something in the back seat of the car and I noticed whitish stains in the fabric. I smelled it and I think they are sex stains. He told me when he was leaving his mom's house, he threw his opened deoderant in the back seat and that's what the stains are. Now, we are suppose to be getting an apartment together at the beginning of the year and he wants me to pay the entire deposit so he can use his money to spend New Years in Vegas with his buddy. How can I get him to realize what a jerk he's being?
- Banana Girl, CA

BG...
I say this with the utmost love... You are stupid. You've said it yourself. He treats you like shit. I'm not even sure why you're writing this. I hope you are not so diluted that you think that moving in together is going to solve all of your problems. I think it's so obvious that you need to bail out of this. Maybe take some you time after you send him packing to figure out what is wrong inside yourself that you will put yourself through so much torture. I don't even know you and I can tell you that you deserve better.
- Auntie J

Double Trouble

Dear Aunt Jamie and Aunt Reggie:
My boyfriend of 4 years and I have always had a pretty decent sex life. One night before getting down to business, I asked him what his ultimate fantasy was. He told that he wanted to watch me have sex with another man. I wasn't sure how to react, but I soon relented and set it up with my boyfriend's bestfriend, "Kevin",who happens to be our roommate. After the threesome, I began to feel an attraction towards Kevin, even more so than to my boyfriend. I know he feels the same way, and it's actually beginning to affect their friendship. I love my boyfriend, but I really want to explore these feelings with Kevin. What should I do?
-L, Detriot, MI

Dear L
I've said this time and time again. There is no room in a real relationship for another person. Once you get that taste of what it's like to be with someone else, you won't want to stop. In his mind, this was a one time deal. He's lived his fantasy. The problem with picking someone close to you is that if feelings for SOMEONE develop, then exisiting relationships get affected. The honest truth is that if you have feelings for someone else, be they emotional entanglements, or simple carnal desire, you're not being honest with yourself about your feelings towards your boyfriend. You want to have your cake and eat it too, and in the real world, it doesn't work that way. Sit him down, tell him about your feelings. However he reacts, what you REALLY want, will become clear. The fact that your freaky ass boyfriend was willing to even take that leap and try something new is a good sign of character. I'd hold on to him. A sweet, freaky man is hard to find! Keep that in mind on your second date at Del Taco with boring ass Kevin!
- Auntie J